Happy Boxing Day Everyone!!! Today I went to my aunt's house for light snacks and socializing, etc, etc. It was alright. lol. Yesterday christmas was fun, presents in the morning, talked to Luke for a bit, had Christmas brunch, watched movies, cleaned, dad's side came over, ate, drank wine, watched Harry Potter.. lol. fun times.

Gah so this break so far is.. I dunno a little boring. >.< I'm hoping that since Christmas is over people will be less busy and I can do something other than chill on my room and go on facebook... lol. Well I am watching the Tudors which is fun. lol. But I think I have a little problem. Well I don't think its a probem per se, but nonetheless something that I have observed. I have fallen way way way to hard for Luke. lol. I think about him almost constantly to a point which I don't think is healthy. He's on my mind before I go to bed everynight, which therefore takes me forever to get to sleep, and once I do I dream about him, and as a result I'm thinking of him when I wake up. Gah!! lol. And of course he's on my mind throughout the day as well. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! lol. Well even though I do enjoy thinking about Luke, but since he's away and I can't actualyl see him it just makes me miss him soo much and then I get a little frustrated and depressed, so that's no fun. lol. But really I've concluded that I need to be careful from now on in this relationship. I have fallen head over heels, and I'm afraid of something [or me] screwing up this relationship, which will deal and incredibly and emotional piercing blow - something that I think will take me quite some time to recover from. I know this is silly, but as I've said before my relationship with Luke has been progressing so quickly and with such intensity. I feel as if I need to like create a protective "cage" around my heart just to protect it from being too hurt if something were to go wrong in the near future. And in time, I think I'll be able to trust him and myself enough to lower it and fully invest myself emotionally in this relationship. Why is having a boyfriend so stressful!!! lol. Gah but I love him soo much, and I'm getting a little paranoid, but I have my reasons. But I dunno I'm just being stupid, and can't wait till second semester starts [only because then Luke will be back]. But yeah so I need to find things to occupy my mind AWAY from Luke. *shakes fists*

Hmm so I believe I left off on the night said he loved me, so I'll try my hardest to progress my life from there up to now. :P

So last Tuesday was Luke's last exam before he was free from the evil clutches that is UofT. So we had planned to go out for dinner with us 2 and his friend Mena. Well Cursio was coming in that night and said he would like to meet Luke, so I asked Luke if he'll want to meet mike for dinner and stuff. But, naturally, Cursio invited the gang, and the list just kept growing from there. So it was usual gang and other people + Luke, and his friends Mena and Salvador. In total there was about 15 people. So Luke was a little nervous since all my friends were going to judge him.. hehe though I probably wasn't helping since I kept on teasing him and saying how bad its gonna be (haha I'm such a bad boyfriend, but I love to tease him --- but hey he teases me too so its only fair). Well the dinner went really well, everyone loved Luke.. and by everyone I mean Katie, Jojo, Oshie, and Mike (as we were on the end and so everyone else couldn't really talk to him since there was like 5 tables in a line), but he got the important people. lol. So that was fun, and I also got to meet his friend, Mena who is just awesome and we just love each other. lol. So after dinner Luke and I re-drank a litle at his friend's residence and then we went to a bar after. So we stayed there for a little bit, talked, ate, drank, it was fun. We left around 1:00am, and got back at his place shortly after. So for the rest of the night we just cuddled in his bed, watched an episode of 6 Feet Under, and then had fun. But he had a cold sore, so we couldn't kiss on the lips, which sucked like soooo hard, because I love kissing him. :( So I just had to kiss him everywhere other than his mouth. ;) In the morning he showed, packed and got ready to go to the airport. I walked him to a hotel so he can get a taxi directly to the airport, so I kissed his cheeck goodbye and thus off he went. :( We excahnged x-mas presents before dinner btw - he got me chocolate and a webcam.. aww it was so sweet. So I went to the gym with my friend Joy, but I was really tired, cause for some reason I don't sleep much when I'm at Luke's place. :P So on the way home I was contemplating on what to say to my brother, since I would be bringing home a new webcam out of the blue. So I had to options: 1) Lie to him and say I got it myself or something or 2) Just tell him the truth and say that my boyfriend got it for me. I opted for the second option. I predicted his stream of questions leading up to my "coming out" down to the period:

Corey: "You bought a webcam?"
Me: "Umm no it was a gift."
Corey: "Who bought you a webcam?"
Me: "Umm... ..... my boyfriend."
Corey: "ah, yeah I kinda knew"
Tyler: "knew that I had a boyfriend or that I was gay"
Corey: "Umm both. I knew for a while"
Me: "Oh"

Haha soo that was basically what went down. lol. He asked a few questions after that like who else in the family knows and like how long I knew I was gay for.. etc. So yay for coming out to siblings? lol. SO I have 3 siblings down, 1 to go. And then the final showdown... the parents *dun dun dun* lol. Thursday night I went out for dinner with Eric and his friends. Mena and Salvador were there. I really like those two, they're really nice. So naturally me and Mena were just pure talking about Luke. Hehe. So it was a nice evening, Eric payed for the ENTIRE meal. It was crazy, he's such a nicee guy. Aww and this guy named Jason was there,and he's really cute, and Erica is soo totally in love with him (which he denies). Aww it was sweet hopefully those two can get together? lol. I absolutely miss Luke. Its kinda sad since he's only been gone for...like 4 days. haha I'm such a loser. But I can't stop thinking about him, he's on my mind like literally 24/7. I need to find things to distract myself - so thus I download the first season on the Tudors. Which is actualyl very good and I like it, though I wish I Kara like right beside me to go on crazy tangents on English history so I can understand some of the smaller (and bigger pictures). Just cause I'm curious. lol. So tonight I'm out to a bar with the gang and a lot of other people and I really should be leaving soon. lol. OH! Maybe my parents can drive me... hmmm. Well anywhos I'm going to be pre-drinking and me + drinking = missing Luke X a bijillion. lol. I'm going to have to start my drinking habits when Luke is not with me. Haha who knew getting a boyfriend will actually make me less of an alcoholic? lol. Well that's it for now I shall need to bug my parents about a possible drive... Love you all!

After dinner at Ho Su on friday I went to see Luke for a bit before going home because we both kinda needed to study, well mostly him since he has his Stats exam tomorrow. >.< So I got there and we cuddled and fooled around and stuff, and so we were just lying with each other and bed and Luke turns to me and he says, "I love you."

..............................

I involunatarily gave out a gasp of what I suppose was surprise? lol. Without really being aware I replied that I loved him too. He said that just because he said it, that I didn't have to repsond, but I said that I wanted to. I never really been in love so I don't really know how to associate with it. I think about him constantly, we're always texting each other, talking on msn, etc, so we're always on each others minds. Even though we've been dating for only a short period of time, it honestly feels like we've been dating for soo much longer, its silly. I feel like someone pushed the fast forward button on our relationship. I'm not saying that this is bad, I actually really enjoy it because even though, like I said, we only started dating, the intimate intensity of our relationship is very deep, among other things which I suppose give rise to the feeling like we've been together for months instead of only weeks. Its funny because, of allll the men I have met in my life (and there has been quite a few if you know me), out of them all... I could only see myself dating Luke the first time I saw him. Hehe so its kinda like love at first site? :P I can honestly seem myself being with Luke for like the rest of my life. We frequently make comments about the future, like on Friday we were arguing about having both pets and children at the same time (He's not a pet person and thinks that having a dog can smother a baby infant... and I'm all for having pets and dogs, etc AND children at the same time... obviously I'm going to have my way in the end. :P). But yes so our relationship has definitely become a very serious one, in a very short time, and though it may seem like we're rushing things, etc, I truly believe that this relationship will last and everything will turn out. :D

Hmm its been a while since I've posted here, *shakes fistsat UofT*. Umm so some updates, since I can't remember everything I've done. :P Things with me and Luke are going very well. Its been hard seeing each other because of school exams but I did stop by for a bit on Tuesday, and I'm seeing him tonight after Jackie/Foster's B-day dinner, and I MAY perhaps sleep over tomrrow night because I'm going clubbing with 2 of my friends (Luke can't come because he ahs to study...loser)... but I may just sleep there and so we can still spend some time togeher..though its up to him. :P And ohmygoodness on Tuesday Cursio is coming back and we're going out for a Ho Su reunion with Oshie, Erin, Anthony, Katie, Jojo and her boyfriend Mark, me, Luke and his friends Mena and Salvador.. I think thats it? But essientially its a dinner so that Cursio and the rest can judge mine and Jojo's new boyfriends. :S Soo hopefully that doesn't end in diaster. :P I suggested that Luke have a few drinks prior to the dinner and jojo thought that was a good idea...so basically we're gonna have some tipsy ppl at this dinner, judging, random questions from cursio which I am slightly afraid of, and sushi? So this should be one intersting evening. :P And then Luke and I are going to a bar after dinner and then sleeping over. :D I like sleep overs. Umm in terms of exams they were......blah. Biochem was hard but I think I did pretty decent..hopefully? And BIO250 was the devil, I'll be estactic if I actually passed that exam. :S So I have one more left on monday which I'm not to worried for since its religion and worth only 25%. Um I got drunk by myself last night off red wine...once again (I really need to stop doing this) and that was lovely. :P Maria and I are going to go shopping today prior to the B-day dinner at ho Su so that should be lovely since I have not seen this child in like forever *shakes fists*!!!! And so thus now I'm bored, don't want to work and am clearly killing time before Maria calls me. :P Oh and I am making a trip to P-mall next weekend with my sister Carleigh so I can buy her Christmas gift, so would anyone like to come with...we can go to Mongolian Grill....? mmm deliouciousness....

Oh and I went to gym today after over 2 weeks, which was not fun since I felt like a fatty. But the gym was really good, I did a killer workuot on my abs cause they def needed it. And then I went to yoga with Kat McQuade, but we were in some dance studio room cause they changed locations.. and they also had exams going on randomly as well, so after yoga finished they had locked the door that we came in from, so we had to like find another way back to the changerooms, and omg this place is like huge and so we got kinda lost amongst the building but eventually found our way to the changerooms. And we were passing by the like desk and these 2 asian boys were like blasting Jesse McCartney (Beautiful Soul) and omg I love that song, so me, Kat and the 2 asian boys started singing along with it..it was some fun times. :P I just thought everyone should know that. :D

Hehe yay! I have a boyfriend!!! I am very excited for this. :P And omg it was the sweetest thing how it happened. Lol. Ok so to back track a little, Luke had been away for a week in New Jersey to visit his family for American Thanksgiving. And I missed him a lot, even though it was literally like a week apart, but he had a webcam and he would go on so I could see him, and he was just so adorable, and made all these funny faces and his reactions were just the cutest. I absolutely love his smile, its soooo adorable. Lol. Ok so yeah we talked a lot on webcam and that was a lot of fun. :P So he finally came back on Sunday night around 11:00pm. So we made plans to see each other on Monday after my class and since he doesn't have class until 2:00pm he was still sleeping, so he set his alarm when my class ended (12:00pm). So I got to his residence and he let me in, but he was wearing his glasses and was in his bathing robe cause he literally just got up and hehe he's such a dork. :) So we were heading back to his room and we bumped into Liz and her friend Stephanie, and that was a little awkward because imagine what they saw ---> Me following Luke back to his room while he's wearing nothing but boxers and his bath robe. Lol. Yeah. So yeah we went and basically layed in his bed for an hour.. And like we well.. Had fun? Lol. (P.S we haven't had full out sex yet, Luke is a virgin so we haven't gotten there yet). So yeah we talked a bit after but he had class and I had to go to the library and study so we said goodbye. Ok so tonight we had another date. We planned to rent the movie (Queen Elizabeth) and have a sushi dinner afterwards. Ok so once again the movie was out, which sucked, so after much struggling we just decided to rent Fantastic 4 the sequel (Luke hadn't seen it and it was like the last thing we saw and didn't care). So were cuddling on his bed watching the movie and talking and stuff and he was like holding/playing with my hand and then he started looking at my rings and he asked me where I got the ring I wear on my right hand from (Its white gold and has the black onyx stone in the middle, and I said that my parents gave it to me after my high school graduation. And then he was looking at my Gaelic ring with the heart, crown and wings on it. And he asked what it means? And so I explained the significance on how you wear it - heart facing outwards means you are single and you're heart is open (which was how I was wearing it), and that when the heart faces towards you, it means that you have a boyfriend/girlfriend and that you're heart belongs to them. And so he takes off my ring, turns it around so that its facing me and puts it back on my finger and says: "I think you should wear it like this." I looked into his eyes and then we shared the most romantic kiss ever. It was honestly the sweetest thing ever, like right out of a movie. Lol. So congratulatory fun ensued after that. Everything was just so sweet and blissful. We went to dinner shortly after that to a sushi place on Charles street by Rabbas. He payed for the meal and the movie, and he's going to pay for the tickets to the play we're watching together on Friday. I told him that he didn't have to pay for everything and he said, "But I want too." Aww he's such a sweetheart. So we had dinner and talked about family, school, etc (he concluded that he's buying me a webcam for Christmas). Lol. But I have no idea what to get him, so I need to think about that. :P So after dinner we headed back to his place and cuddled on his bed for a long and talked about personal things and random things. It was really nice cuddling and kissing him and just talking about anything that came to mind. After that he showed me some pictures he had of us from the party we went to on our second date, and yeah so we were all kissy feely by the computer too. :P I left shortly after that cause I have to write two papers for tomorrow (well not write, but like fix up because I'm re-submitting them). But the point is that I now have a boyfriend and its lovely and AHHHHHHH! :D

Ok well so today just has to be one of the best days I've had in a long time (which is extremely ironic since today is natianl bad luck day or something.... but I guess it makes sense since I have such bad luck on a regular basis to begin with *shakes fsits*). Well so I found out that I'm getting more money from OSAP than I had orginally thought. I'm getting just over $1,600 which is friggen awesome!! So the OSAP I'll be getting this January can pay off the rest of my tution that is outstanding ($1604.44) which relieves a huge huge burden of stress off my shoulders! So the small income I have coming in monthly (around $230) can pay for my new books, since I only have to buy new books for two courses in the spring, since I have 3 full year courses. So that's tuition and books solved in terms of financial demand. :)So that just leaves my VISA bill which is over $900 (umm yeah that's from all my books from September, fines and payments from my job :P, and other random stuff). I have just over $800 in my bank account now, so I can use most of that to pay off a huge chunck off my VISA and have only like max $200 on it, which is soo much better and I won't be worrying about it as much, and I can pay off the remaining balance slowly later with my monthly income. So... dare I say... I'm FREE from these financial debts!! (well not free yet, but in the long run, it looks like I will be). So yeah I'm sooo happy!! I'm not drowning in financial debt anymore! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D lol. *sigh* I'm celebrating this weekend with alcohol.. oh my I'm gonna get soo drunk on friday. :S meh. hehe.

And on top of all that.. I can't stop thinking of Luke. Like really I can't. And its very distracting. lol. We text a lot and talk on msn I suppose, and I'm trying to figure out how he thinks of me, and so far I think its good. lol. I have to control myself from sending him too much texts cause I don't want to be a stalker. Like I'll only send him one, and he'll usually respond and we'll have a little conversation via text messages. lol. But that's enough. And he's not even here this weekend cause he's going back to New Jersey from Wednesday to Sunday night because of American Thanksgiving. *shakes fists*. lol. But hopefully we can see each other next week when he's in Toronto. lol. Bah I'm such a loser. lol. :P

Ahhh!!! lol. Okies here is how the "date" progressed:

I got a call around 5, when I was on my home from tutoring, and it was Luke and he said that they were out of the movie that we planned on renting, and so he asked me if I wanted to rent a different movie, or if I wanted to go to this party his friend was having. So I decided that we can just go to the party (because alcohol lossens me up, and so I won't be so nervous and its good to get closer to ppl, cause its very social....:P). Ok so I got home and changed and everything into my new outfit that I bought. So we met up at his place and we had to wait lke 30 minutes since his friend went to buy stuff from LCBO and had to shower, so we basically just watched a bit of TV and stuff. lol. So we met up with his friend Marissa and we 3 went to Marissa's friend, Emily's house party. Ok so basically us 4 (me, luke, Marissa, and Emily) were the only cool people there, cause like the oter 10 girls (some of Emily's housemates and their friends) were sooo like.. highschool but like they were all just sitting down on the couches and literally doing nothing, the 4 of us were basically the party, we even had our own drinking game going on (King's Cup) and thus got really drunk quickly. lol. Umm sooo yeah that led to mad makeout business with me and Luke in Emily's room, though Emily and Marissa were there. We all 4 took naughty picutres, but it mostly consisted of pics of me and Luke making out, and they even made a video!!! Though it was basically my ass there on top of Luke and stuff.. and the music is the background sounds like porn music.. so it was funny. lol. Ok so (some drama....), apparently Emily liked this guy and this guys' friend like Marissa (but he was such a douch and Marissa really really didn't like him and was avoiding him the whole night), but Emily wanted Marissa to stay ad hook up with him, so she can hook up with her man (who we all judged to be ugly ----- she even found out that he had a 5 year old kid that he never told her about...soo yeah), ok long story short, Marissa wanted to leave, and Emily got into a huge drunken bitch fest, and was yelling and Marissa and eveything outside and even killed a poor shrub and everything, so we left, had some pizza pizza. Marissa went home and I stayed at Lukes place. Ok so this is where the fun starts. lol. We had some hot making out which basically led to sex. lol. But hot sex. And wow he is very well endowed down there....so yeah it was some hot sex, and we even came together!! lol. it was awesome. But yeah so his bed isn't that big so it was very hard to sleep and thus I didn't. lol. Throughout the night we had some cuddling, talking, making out sessions (though we had to control ourselves from going to far). lol. So by 5:00am, we had given up on the whole sleeping business and decided to watch Rent. lol. I love that movie. Ok so we went at it again, but we were kinda tired so we stoped after a while. And then we actually did sleep. And then around 12:00pm we woke up and... well yeah went at it again, and this time it was...satisfiying? lol. hehe. You get the point. So we showered and then went out to eat, and he payed for both of our meals (so sweet) and yeah so he walked me to the subway station and we parted ways. lol. So in sum the date was a very good success? lol.




The End.

Last night, despite the fact that I was already tired, had a group job interview at 8:00am for American Eagle, and then a prep session from 10:00am-1:00pm for my biochemistry midterm, I still was bullied to come out clubbing with bunch of my friends who were going to FLY for the "Grapefruit" event (I don't know why its called that...). So I didn't get too drunk, like actually I only had two drinks, which isn't much. So we pre-drank at a friend's house and then we all headed over to the club. I was sleeping over my friend, JP's place and his roomate Daryl. Ok well Daryl is kinda way older than me, like maybe somehwere in his early 30s? Well anyways he has a boyfriend and they have been going out for quite some time. So at theclub everyone was dancing and stuff, and it was a big group of us, so like... there wasn't much opportunity for me to go scoping for hot guys to hook up with. Daryl was relatively drunk, and apparently according to JP is kinda a whore when he's drunk, which was apparent when he was like... grinding, touching and I believe making out with some people... I was a little shocked and.. I dunno... irritated at that. Like hello... you have a boyfriend, why are you being a whoring with other men! Apparently Darly wouldn't have sex with any other guy.. but he'll still go pretty far. :( This was a little upsetting since I thought that Darly and his boyfriend, Brian, were one of those lovely monogamous relationships...but apparently not. Brian knows how Darly is, but its "use to it." *frowns*. This got me thinking that..a lot of gay couples I know, or heard of were not really monogamous. Like some oare of course, but I think a lot of relationships, like the majority, are not. This is kinda sad, because despite my...um large fancy for men, I (a surprise to some of you) really do believe in a monogamous relationship, and always pictured myself in one in the future. The whole monogamous couple, living together in a downtown condo, nicely furnished home.. maybe children? lol. But based on the gay community, having such a monogamous relationship seems so hard, as everyone pretty much doens't do it. :( Like yes we have raging hormones and high sex needs (trust me I know), but if you are in a relationship, then you should respect your partner and be faithful? And then of course this makes me think of whether or not I will have a boyfriend anytime soon, and if I do get a boyfriend in the future, will he be touching other men when I'm not there? lol. So obviously my thoughts were a little disturbed last night, I was also very tired, and wanted to go home by like 1:30am. A few times people were like, "Tyler what's wrong?... or Why are you frowning?" lol. It was kinda embarrasing. lol. So I gave up on hooking up with anyone that night since I was just tired and clearly not in my usual happy mooods. So some people leave, and Daryl is leaving too, and I wanted to leave with him cause I just wanted to sleep, and I told JP this, and I'm not sure what he heard, but he said that I should wait here and that he'll be right back.... soo 30 minutes later, I'm pretty much had enough of dancing and impatient since I have no idea where JP went off too, and I wanted to go home. So I make my way upstaires to the coat check and pass JP on the way... um yeah so he and Daryl and a few others all got their ooats and were leaving. Didn't JP hear me when I said I wanted to go home with them? Bah so I was kinda pissed, since like I've been wanting to go home since after 1:00am and it was now 3:00am.. and gah. The line up for the coat check was like.....soo long, at least a 30 minute wait. So I waited by myself to get my coat (JP gave me the apartment key so I can get in). So yeah I got my coat and left with the 2 other people who stayed later, walked to his apartment and slept.... Yeah so I decided not to go the the interview because I just didn't want to work there anymore, or car too It was like for one month, whatever, I'm hopefully getting a job at the call centre anyways and that pays $11.00/h... more than clothing retail anyways.

On a positive note, however, I'm going on my second date with Luke this friday!!! *squeals* Hehe aww I can't wait. lol. I was worried for a bit since he hadn't responded to my messages on facebook (because he's not a facebook whore, like myself, who's on like 24/7) lol. So we are renting the first Queen Elizabeth movie.. so we can hopefully understand both movies as a whole (Kara be prepared for more English history questions). lol. So hopefully this goes well. Though, again I'm a little nervous. This time (I'm not sure) though it may take place in his room (cause were else will we watch a rented movie...on residence?). So yeah.. this may lead to stuff. Gah! Its retarded how I can hook up so easily with other guys like *snap*, but when it comes to hooking up with someone, in a possible relationship setting....everything changes. Now I'm thinking.. "omg ok am I ready?... is this going to fast?..etc...etc. lol. I think this is so because before I was just having sex for..well like pleasure, so emotions were not involved... but now... my emotions are involved. Since well.. I dunno I may like Luke? LIKE.. not LOVE... but we'll see how this goes. Gah. Why are relationships so stressful? lol.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.... That basically sums up my date with Luke last night. lol.

Hehe. Ok so I met Luke infront of his residence at St. Mikes and then we took the Subway to the Parimount Theatre and watched Queen Elizaeth. Luke paid for both of our tickets, and it was soo cute, he's all like, "don't worry, I got it." hehe. Ok so we just make the movie on time to watch the previews, because we both love previews. lol. Ok so we were sitting beside each other (obviously) and like I was very conscious of how close our bodies were. At one point Luke moved a littl closer, so that our thighs were brushing each other, and his hand was on the arm rest, but it was also slightly brushing against my thigh as well. So I was like getting all fluttry, like thinking "omg, should I move my hand closer, or llike hold his hand. NO no I can't do that, I hate making the first move... but maybe I should move it a little closer..." etc, so it was quite the mental battle. (omg I'm such a loser... its obvious how I'm soo inexperienced when it comes to "dates") lol. Ok so finally like perhaps at least half way through the film, Luke grabs by hand, and so were were leaning close together holding hands for the remainder of the film. He would caress by hand with his thumb, and I was stroking his arm with my fingers, and it was really sweet. *giggles* So the movie ended and we headed out of the Theatre
[side note: Kara me and Luke needed your help with some of the background history and stuff about this movie, like with Mary Queen of Scot, and the ruler AFTER the "virgin" Queen... but I asked Cursio today.. and thus I'm good, but still I was like, "gah where is Kara when you need her"] lol
So we went to this craperie on Queen street after the movie and basically just talked about random stuff, mostly on "coming out" stories and the such. lol. Luke paied for the dessert too!!! Awww it was soo cute. So after that I walked him back to his residence. We went back to his room and stuff, but we both had to go out afterwards so we wrapped up the date there. So we had a goodbye kiss.. very innocent, a kiss on the mouth, lingering there only slightly. I thanked him for the evening, and then left. AHHhh!!!! I was all giddy afterwards. hehe. It was such a cute date and I had a lot of fun, and hopefully we get to do it again soon. Aww I'm such a loser. haha But yes so that was basically Luke's and I's first date. :D

Last night was definitely an interesting night. It began all innocent with me getting drunk of rockstars and wearing my sexy Chip n' Dale (male stripper) costume (if that can be called innocent?). lol. I went to my friend, JP's place and dropped off my bag and stuff,c hanged there and after a little drinking we went to an apartment party, though we only went for the last like 15 minutes of the party before everyone was heading down to Church street, cause there was a street party there. :) So after drinking down my last 2 rockstars in 15 minutes, I was already feeling the alcohol, which was a good thing because it was cold out and the alcohol helped warm me up a bit. So we went along the street for a bit, went to a Bar here and there - we went to O'Grady's for a little bit and then we headed over to Crews and Tangos, which is like a club/bar/dragshow performance all in one. Though because it was relatively early in the evening there wasn't a lot of people there, since everyone was out on the street. So we left Crews and Tangos after a short bit and when to Woodies, which is one of the bars on church. My friend JP kept on buying me drinks, and of course I can't say no to free alcohol.. so thus I as getting even more drunk (which probably wasn't te greatest decision as I had class at 10:00am the next and a quiz in my class at 11:00am....), but nonetheless I drank them. :P So then we headed over to this club by Wellesley and we danced for a bit and stuff. At this point I was pretty drunk, and obviously really horny so thus I began searching the crowd for any hot guys that I can potentially hook up with. Hehe oh boy. lol. So I saw this one guy who was sooo hot. He was dressed as a cop and had the whole outfit and everything, he even had the sexy aviator sunglasses... so basically he was the sex. So I was eyeing him a bit, but didn't want to make the first move (cause I never make the first move usually because I'm to shy or I don't now really... I just wait for guys to come to me? lol.). So I look at him again later and I see this other guy with him. He was dressed as the Green Arrow (a hero from the Justice League.. or something), but the point is he was wearing green leather and he was also very very hot, and he had sunglasses on too (I dunno why, but apparently I find sunglasses attractive...maybe? lol.). So I saw them together whic sucke because I concluded one of two things: 1) I was shit out of luck because the cop guy already found someone to hook up with, i.e. the green arrow, or 2) they were boyfriends and thus I was screwed either way. lol. So at this point I was kinda dissappointed, like it was Halloween night, I'm drunk, surrounded by gay men, and I'm not getting any action. I was not happy with this predicament. So my friends and I went to the front to watch the drag show for a bit. And that was when I feel someone brushing up against my hand and arm...a touch here and there, but subtle, but obviously intentional. lol. So I casually turn around to see who was doing it, and to my happy surprise.... it was the hot cop guy. :D His name was Shawn. lol. So here I am, standing by the drag show getting hit on by the hot cop guy.. man I really loved his costume (I love men in uniform. :P). So we get to talking and the green arrow comes. :S I find out that the green arrow (name David) and the hot cop (Shawn) are boyfriends. Well... so much for any fun. This feeling didn't last very long, because Shawn asked me if I wanted to go back to his place with his boyfriend. ....... *blink blink*.. lol. Um so can you say threesome? I really wanted to go back because 1) I've actually never officially hooked up with a random guy like this before (yes like I have done the makeouts, etc, but never ever I have I gone back to a guys place who've I just met). So after working things out with JP, I decided to be spontanous and go back the the couple (god!! they're boyfriends.... like wtf? lol). So on the way to their apartment, Bay and Dundas, I was talking to David (the green arrow).. so I find out that David is 28, and his boyfriend Shawn is 24. lol. Ummm ok so I just increased the age of men that I sleep with. :S But David didn't look that old, so :P. So we go back to their place and... yeah so 3 people to one Queen's size bed. I won't go into any details, though but let me just say it was hot. And this was basically my first "official" threesome as well. So that's fun. So I guess we were done around 3:30am... and tried to go to sleep. David (28) had to get up at 8:00am the next morning for work, while Shawn had the day off. So by 4:00am... I couldn't sleep. David was snoring but me and Shawn were still awake. I was in the middle of the bed with David on my right and Shawn on my left. So while David slept, me and Shawn just talked and stuff, a lot of personal things, life, random, etc. Its funny how you can be so open and vulnerable with people after sex. It was really nice though. It would of been conidered really romantic... if not for the fact that Shawn had a boyfriend... who was sleeping right beside me. lol. While we were talking, I found out a little about how they met, his family, etc. So it was nice talking to him like this. I found out that they have been dating for 14 months... and this was the first time they ever included anyone else in a sexual way. Um... so I guess that makes me special. Hehe but Shawn was really cute, like kissing me and saying how hot I am. We basically just layed there for a few hours just talking, tracing my fingers up and down his body (it was funny because his body would twitch sometimes when I was lightly tracing down his figure, he was very sensitive, but he enjoyed it). lol. So while David slept, Shawn and I were giving each other some..attention. lol. Finally, after a little fun, we decided to try to get some sleep. So Shawn fell asleep after a while, though try as I could, I couldn't fall asleep... and then by 6:00am, David woke up and wanted some attention.. So really it was like tehy were out to deprive me of my sleep. Shawn woke up while David was... being attended, and so that started up a little 3 way fun, again. lol. David feel back to sleep shortly, and again me and Shawn satyed awake, when finally Shawn gave me some individual attentio.. again. lol. So basically if I was lucky I got an hour of sleep, though I highly doubt it was anything more than a light 30 minute rest. *sigh*. So in the morning David showered and left, and later me and Shawn showered together and I got ready to leave. I had to walk alllll the way back to JP's place.. So walking from Bay and Dundas to Wellesley and Sherbourne at 9:00am in my halloween costume wasn't too much fun. lol. But I had a great night and Shawn asked for my number so we'll see how this goes. lol. But all in all.... it was an interesting and pleasing night (if not very very tiring). After writing my quiz, I basically had no energy,my Chinese Religion class would not end.. it was soo long, and we were doing Buddhism (which I already know) so like it was useless. And this stupid girl behind me kept on asking these retarded questions, and gah I just wanted to turn around and slap her!!! (Obviously at this point I was very grumpy and only had a crossiant to eat in the last 20 hours). I decided that I should go to Bio250 at least... but that was also useless because the prof wasn't saying much other than the slides.. so I just slept in that class. I bought my metropass and went home... where I basically crawled into bed and slept. I don't think I've ever been so tired. I never nap but I slept for 4 hours, woke up in time to watch Ugly Betty. The ending was sooo sweet and they went to go see Wicked in the episode, so after it ended I decided to download like the whole Wicked soundtrack, and the ending was soooo sweet on the show that it made me really emotional... so now I'm going to watch 1 litre of tears... and cry. lol. I love that show. *sigh* it definitely has been an interesting 24 hours.

Umm so this week was alright. I had a biochem midterm on Tuesday night, and then went out for dinner with Oshioke, Steph and Erica at Konnichiwa. I really do like that restaurant, its one of the only restuarants I know that is actually run by Japanese people. The food there is really good and decently priced, and they have onigiri (for take-out as well!!!.. so you know what Erica and I did on Friday after our biochem lecture..lol). Oh and Kara they have a hot Japanese chef who works there, I think we should hook you guys up, though me and Erica are unsure if he even speaks english... but that doesn't matter, a language barrier is something easily surpassed. ^_^

On Friday night I went to a Halloween party!!! I was soooo excited it for 3 reasons: 1) I was going to get drunk (something I have not done for 3 weeks!!! What a record. lol) 2) Because I can hook up with some hot guys and 3) Because I get to wear my sexy costume: I was a sexy butler so basically I wore my sisters really tight black pants, suspeders, white cuffs and a white bow tie...and um that's it. lol. It was really hot though, and everyone loved my costume, and it was fabulous. I hooked up with this guy named Christian who was an angel.. He was really cute (and um def 18, which I found out later..lol) But I was really drunk and he had no shirt on and was hot, and (not to be all like...I can't think of a term that describes this, but he kinda looked like Maria's boyfriend, Justin. lol. sorry Maria!!! but its a good thing?). lol. But yeah I went with my friend JP and he was a sexy sailor, his costume looked really good actually, he had short shorts on and stuff, but it went really well together, so everyone loved what we were wearing. :D So the night in sum was that I was really drunk, tapped some man action, realized that I should really live downtown cause when you want to go back to a guys place you can't, cause you realize that your clothes and stuff is at your friend's house, and things just get complicated. So thus I left with JP, had drunken food (McDonald's chicken nuggets...soooo good!!). And so thus alas on Saturday I was hung over, not in the mood to study or do anything!! Soo.. I did a really really really bad thing and started a new drama (Coffee Prince). Soo basically I screwed myself ovr because I get soo attached to dramas that I usually have splurges, and can't stop watching them until I finish them. Its a really bad problem. So now I'm on episode...12 (2 more episodes left...). But omg its sooo cute. lol. Kara you need to watch it. I generally end up yelling at my laptop most of the time. Why are men such stupid..bastards? lol. Like they're so clueless and everything, and you get angry at them because they are like bastards, and they take their sweet time "coming around" meanwhile your like depressed and in emotional agony, and then it all ends happily ever after. lol. *shaks fists at straight men*. But I love these dramas though. lol. I jsut finished a Japanese one (Proposal Daisakusen last Tuesday... and that was uber frustrating, but good. lol.). I even got my broter Corey to watch some of the coffee prince with me. Well he'll watch parts here and there, and I'll explain to him what's going on. Its funny. lol.

Umm so yes I'm procrastinating yet again. I have a paper due tomorrow...haven't started. A midterm on Tuesday which I haven't started studying for either. *sigh*. But I am very excited for Halloween!!! I'm going to wear my sexy costume to the street party on Church street.. and then freeze so thus I'll end up going inside a club / bar, and touch men? lol. yes.

Last night around 1:30am, I had one of the most shocking and random occurences in my life. lol. When I was in elementary school and up to grade 10, I had a best friend named Joe (or Josip) and we were really close. He lives like 10 minute walk from my house, so we were always together. He was my tennis partner during the summer, and I can remember he'll be at my house at like 9:00am banging on my door, yelling at me to get ready so we can go play tennis, followed by a dip in my pool to cool off. This was almost a daily ocurence in the past summers before I started working. Life was indeed almost stress free then, and lots of fun. Well highschool came, but even though we went to different highschools, we were still relatively close and saw each other periodically. The routine was that he'll usually rent a movie and we'll watch it in my basement, and have sleep overs and stuff. So one night we watched Finding Nemo, and we were both sharing a couch and blanket and stuff. And..well "things" happened. Nothing very serious but enough that a supposed "boundary" was crossed. Well the next day he calls and was like, "What was that last night..? Don't tell anyone about it? Forget about it." Something along those lines. Well at first I was a little upset since I wanted to talk things over with him.. like if something like that happens between two really close friends, you can't just "forget" about it. But in the end I just dropped it as I knew he wasn't going to be receptive. Unfortuneately, from that night on, we saw each other less and less often. He came over a few months after the incident, but things were a little strained, not how they normally were. In the summer, he started hanging out with another girl from our school, who I didn't particualry care for. I know our friendship was basically dissolving in front of my eyes, but there wasn't anything I could really do about it. I do admit I was angry at him for letting this happened. I did believe if we talked things through, like we could of stayed in touch. Well in the end we just.. stopped seeing and talking to each other. Our friendship essientially died. I got over it eventually, I transfered to Power, joined IB and met you guys (love you all), and so life went on. I do admit though at the time we were close, I did have a crush on him. :S I think he was my first ever boy crush, so that obviously didn't help when our friendship ended. lol.
Well so last night, I was working on my paper for my Chinese Religions class (yes I was procrastinating yet again, I didn't even start it until around 1:30am :S). lol. And then someone messaged me on msn. I didn't recognized the email at first. He was like, "Hey Tyler Milton, rememeber me?" At first I didn't... "Joe...somebody..?" Once we gave me the clue, "clue - we have the same birthday (which we do)." Then I remebered. Josip. Needless to say I was acutally shocked speachless. After 5 years of not talking or seeing each other, he messages me now? I didn't even know he was still on my msn list. So it was obviously very awkward at first, saying very generic things to keep the conversation alive. He kept asking me stuff like, "do you know why we stoped talking..?" and stuff like that. Obviously I had a good guess but didn't want to admit anything, in case he had a different opinion. "Finding Nemo!!!.. remember?" I confessed that I did. And then we started talking about "that" night. He confessed that he really regreted how our friendship died, that we were really close, and that he missed me and my family and the times we had together. He was being soo cute. We started reminiscing about the times we spent togther. We actually tried doing witchcraft at some point and he even remembered one of the incantations that we used to make it rain (but of course it didn't). But it was very nice to hear that he remebered so much of our friendship, even little details like a random spell we did once in our backyard. lol. Though on top of all this, it was nonetheless still very awkward. Well nonchantly he asked me if I had a girlfriend/bofriend. I said that no I didn't have a boyfriend. He confessed that he ended a 2 year relationship with this girl. So that cleared things up for me a little. (Dman my stupid crush! even though it has been 5 years, my feelings, if ever so slightly, were beginning to resurface. :S But I can't do anything about it, well since he's straight). I tell you developping a crush on a straight guy really isn't a good idea. Its torture. Well throughout the convrsation he mus have said "This convo stays between us. Its private" like 3-4 times. He was being very anxious about it. Clearly he's be self-consious about that time, and doesn't want anyone to find out. That's fine, its not like either of us still talks to the same group of friends we had in elementary school. But in the end, he gave me his home # again and said it was my responsability to phone him to hang out sometime. MY responsibility? He talked to me first after all this time, so thus I have to make the following move. Poop. I really hate phoning people, especially in this case. Can you say awkward phone conversation? lol Too bad it was summer, it'll be easier to meet up if we had some kind of ice breaker like tennis. But we don't. I suggested something like going for drinks after my midterms and stuff. Because lord knows I'm going to need a drink once we meet up.. I'm so nervous! And I don't know why. lol. I have to say that I'm still a little shocked about this whole occurence. Like I never expected to see or hear from him ever, especially since our friendship ended on not so solid ground, a lot or repressed feelings, lack of communication, anger, resentment, etc. Though I'm in a way kind of glad this happened. I'm not sure if we'll ever be as close as we used to be, or even if we'll talk again after we meet up ths once. Who knows. But good luck to me? lol.

Oh my goodness, I'm absolutely, positively, irrevocably exhausted. *sigh*. lol. I had a dragon boat practice today, and it was quite intense. And by intense I mean its basically a normal practice (though they did make everything extremely concse, right down to the minute of various excerices). I was tired before I went, since I had a little nap in Robarts, but still it was so tiring. It just shows that I'm of shape and need to push myself to improve. :P We're also having a bake sale fundraiser on Monday at the Medical Science building, by the Timmy's... so I expect each and everyone of you to buy some sweets that day. :P I'm making brownies. ^_^ But yes so after practice, I had to walk allll the way from the AC to UC to pick up by bag in my locker, and then walk alllll th way to St. George station. I don't thin I was ever so tired, like I was literally dragging myself down the street. It wasn't pleasant. Finally I got home and had dinner: 2 buns, a large toasted bagel with 2 layers of cheese, egg, and 2 layers of meat all nice and warm, a glass of milk, a glass of juice, and 3 crepes that my sister made yesterday (banana chocolate). So now I'm full. And I def had to read 60 pages for my chinese religion class (seriously that class has crazy amounts of reading) and the book is sooo boring, its like reading gibberish from old chinese doctrines. *stabs self*. Oh, I watched the Exorcist yesterday and at the end these 2 guys were talking about going to the movies to watch Wuther Heights (really random I know) soo I was inspired and decided to download the movie (as I didn't know they had one), and so I'm excited to watch it. I actualyl enjoyed that book. :P

The "poop" business happened when I got home. Ok so to give a little background. I have 2 dogs, sisters, that we got form a breader. Echo is the black one and her contract was basically that we bought her and have full ownership, but the breader had the breading ownership over her first litter, and after that we can do what we wanted with her. My other dog, Amber, is a little different. We didn't pay for her, but got her for free. BUT the breader had full ownership and breading rights over her. So basically it was like we "own" the dog in terms of that she lives with us and everything. But the breader will pick out males and bread her about 3 times throughout her life (anymore is dangerous for the dog), where she'll have to go back to the breader's cannel to give birth. Ok so like...2 years ago? We went away on vacation and left the dogs at the breaders place so she can look after them, but at this time Echo was in heat, and we told the breader this. So when we came to pick them up, the breader said that Echo had jumped out of her cage a few times while we were gone. And a few weeks later we find out that Echo was pregnant. We had surmised that that she got pregant during one of the times she escaped from her cage, as all the dogs are caged in the same room. The breader absolutely refused this, and said that it wasn't possible and that it was our fault that she got pregnant, and that we were in breach of contract. (eye roll). So we all waited until she gave birth to see if 1) she had a pure breed litter of Australian shepards (in which case she got pregnant in the breaders care and thus its her fault) or 2) the litter was mixed and thus it would be out fault (though we were pretty positive that it was the first case). So load and behold she gave birth to 7 beautful puppies. 5 out of the 7 puppes were merle coloured (http://www.pups4sale.com.au/australian_shepherd_pups_01.jpg), 2 were black and white, which resembled the mother. Well in terms of physical appearance, all the puppies look relatively similar and had the same physio as the australian shepard. We concluded that they were puppies from a dog named Sicko from the breaders palce because of one major thing: (prepare for a little genetics here). Echo's mother was a Black Tri (having the colours black, white, and brown in the fur) and her father was a Red Tri (have white, brown and "red" --but a differnt coloured brown in the fur). If you've remembered my dogs Echo looks like her mother and Amber looks like her father. Ok so Sicko was a blue Merle australian shepard (so has like black, grey, white, and brown all mixed together looking like the pic above). So since Echo (who was in a sense "heterzygous" for merle coloured fur and Sicko who was completely merle) produced 5 puppes with this same fur colouring (which firstly is not a common colouring, and has to be specifically bread.. AND no other dogs in my neighbourhood have any colouring like this, look like an australian shepard, or is NOT fixed) we safely assumed that her puppies were essentially pure bread, and teh father most likely being Sicko from the breaders cannel. However, the breader is a big bitch a totally disregarded the litter, saying it wasn't her fault, and that the puppies were not pure, etc. Well so in her eyes "we" breached contract and because Echo had sex with "another" bread of dog, her validity to be bread is gone, since she has been "tainted". Well whatever, we showed her pics and everything, and she refused to get testing down to see if they were fully pure and if Sicko was he father, so we kinda just... stopped communicating with her. So today (sorry for like the massive tangent....which I don't think had too much relevance..but meh), she sent us an email basically threatening to take Amber away and sell her to another family for $900, if we don't pay for her. Like wtf? Clearly someone is bitter about the whole Echo business and is now deciding to hit a low blow, buy making us pay $900 for Amber or she's gonna take he away. Stupid bitch. Of course we have no choice but to pay, since we want to keep her. BUT during the debate about Echo and her puppies be legetimate, she gave us an email (this was when we were trying to negotiate stuff with the breader regading the puppies) she said something about how she'll give us "certificates" saying the puppies were pure, without getting evidence or testing done (or something along those lines). So my dad is going to say yeah we're going to pay, but is going to throw in that we have her email saying what she said which, in the end can really harm her repretation as a breader, since she was willing to falsify birth certificates and stuff... so I dunno we'll shall have to see what happens.
wow... ok so in sum the breaders a bitch and is threatening to take Amber away... and I'm procrastinating for my reading. :D

Ja ne mina

Bah finally the stresses in my life are beginning to lift. I FINALLY got my closedown cheque, yup a cheque which means I'm actually getting paid for working with Action for the past 7 months (who would've guessed?). lol. So the cheque isn't a lot, but it'll definitely help me financially, no thanks to my stupid job.. *represses memories*. The cheque is just over $4000 which is awesome. I also have over $2000 in my bank now. So in total I have about $6400!! Ok so I still have to pay one of my employees, pay like $940 since I'm in overdraft in my account, and the final payments for business management stuff, and I still have to pay for school. >.< Though I'm only going to pay the minimal down payment for school. So I should have enough money to pay off all my remaining debts from this job, and formally register for schoool via the minimum down payment. My parents are going to pay for the car damages (as I clearly have no money)... which they are not happy about.. but I'm going to pay them back when I have money, so hopefully they let me do that.... but yes in sum: I finally got paid and I now have enough money to pay off all business debts, forever ridding Action from my memory, pay for school, and be less stressed in terms of financial difficulty. lol. ^_^

I'm definitely in a bit of pain right now.. and tired. Who knew getting stabed in the face with needles could be tiring? lol. I got two piercings today. Originally it was only supposed to be one... but yeah I ended up getting two? lol. I got another ear piercing today, just below my other piercing... and then I got an eyebrow piercing as well. :S lol. But I like it. I wasn't really planning on getting one, even though I kinda wanted one for a while, since I thought mom wouldn't want me too. But she said that I'm 19 and can do what I want.. !!! So thus I got one, and after my mom said that she didn't even mind. lol. But apparently my dad is a little angry.. :S So we'll see how this turns out. lol. But I'm definitely not getting anymore piercings... lol. I think 3 is enough.

Ummm I've been really unproductive this weekend in terms of studying.. but meh. Anywho I'm going to watch an episode of Hana Yori Dango.. and then study later?

Ja ne mina

I have come to the conclusion that the year 2007 in my life sucks beyond measure. Like I just want this shitty year to end so 2008 can come, and hopefully I'll have more luck with that one. Well today was one of those infamous bad luck days for me.. if you haven't noticed, I get them a lot. Like ever since I started working with Action, I have been having such horrible horrible luck when it comes to financials.

I came home today to find out that I have been charged $300. I had an appointment for my wisdom teeth to be removed today, but I wanted to re-schedule to like February because like mid terms are coming up, and I just don't want to do it during school, so I was thinking of doing it during my reading week. Well they phoned yesterday to confirm my appointment, but I wasn't home and (as I just found out) my mom phoned them back and left a message (A message!!!) saying I was canceling my appointment (I was under the impression that my mom had answered the call and told the lady I wasn't coming). So therefore there was no warning in terms of the amount the fine. So they called today and left a message saying that I owe them $300 for cancelation without a 5 day notice. Like seriously. All of you know that I really am not financially able to have any more fines (God I really hate that word) as I'm already like $9000 in debt, which I have to pay by January. So as you can assume, I was angry and depressed. I couldn't get any work done, but also because being at home = instant unproductiveness. All I could think about was all the fines I had to pay, car damages, interior cleaning for the car, $300 cancelation fee, school tuition and books, employees, government GST remittence, etc. It's always very over whelming and I also wonder why its all happening to me? I look around and I see everyone else without these problems. Why is it that I have such bad luck when it comes to money? Its very frustrating, and no one can really understand how I'm feeling because they're not going through the same thing themselves, and probably never will (hopefully at least). I cannot help but feel a little jealous and bitter. My life sucks.

-----------------------------

I was taking a shower, and all I could think of was how I would give anything to by-pass this time in my life and go into the future when I'm like 30, grown up, married, have a full time job, my own house, etc. I really just hate school, working part-time as a student during school, living at home. I just want to move out and not have to live at home, go shopping myself, live my own life. I don't know why I was thinking this. Maybe its because I'm a little angry at my parents. Like I have all these financial problems, and they're doing nothing to help me. Like as a parent shouldn't they lend a hand? I know they did help me pay off some of the guy's car damages in June, but I can't help but feel like they're not doing enough. Or at least not expressing much or any concern about me. I think that's it. They don't seem to really care or take interest in my financial issues, which obviously is causing me major stress and episodes of depression. My mom keeps telling me that she wants the inside of the van professionally cleaned from the summer, and that they want to car fixed by this Fall. I really wish they'll take into consideration my problem. Like ok I can fix the car with my line of credit from the bank, but then I have to start paying high monthly interest rates of about $514.75 (combing the car damages and the minimum payment for school... coming to around $7100). Like even if I work part-time, making over $500 a month is very very difficult. I'll have to work long, long hours, and as a result my grades are going to fall, and it'll just be a repeat of what happened to me with Action the beginning of this year. I really don't want this. I should talk to my parents about this, and hopefully they'll understand where I'm coming from. If anything, perhaps I can get like my grandpa to pay for lik the car damages and then pay him back when I can. But again this is something I have to talk to my parents about.
But the point is, I'm angry with my parents for not just this, I dunno, I think I'm just in a bad mood. All I can think of is how I just want to leave. Move out. This always leads to me teaching in Japan, as it provides an escape away from my parents and my family. I'll be living on my own, doing my own thing, complete independance.

Then I started thinking about school. Oh how I really hate school. I find that I have no motivation at all. I'm behind in almost all my classes, I have 2 pappers anad 2 quizes next week. I don't even know what I want to do when I grow up. Its just really frustrating. I feel like I just want to give up and cry. Why is my life is fucken difficult? I think that maybe I'll just teach english in Japan as a career. Like you can do that with the NOVA group. I dunno. I can't see myself doing anything else. There's no way I can get into medschool, nor do I want to anymore. I don't want to go through 4 years of med school, 2 years of residencey, and then more schooling to specialize before really having a career. Like is it all even worth it? I feel so lost, like I'm just dragging myself through school with nothing ahead to look forward to or aspire to. I'm just really fed up with life and I just want to fast forward through my life when things seem more settled and routine.

I dunno. I'm just....lost, angry, frustrated, depressed... like.. I don't know what I'm going to do.

ok. I think I'm going through chronic partying withdrawal. I've been going out every single weekend (Friday and Saturday nights), since August. This is the first weekend that I"m not going out. I promised myself that I was going to stay home and studying. Big mistake. Well at least I developed the following conclusions: 1) There is no way, absolutely no way I can study at home and as a result 2) I'm going to be studying only a Robarts from now on... as it is boring, dense, has no windows and is probably the only place that will force me to study, and therefore 3) I'll not only being spending my time during the week there but also my weekends as well which consequently means that 4) I'll be seeing very little of my family, which will probably upset my parents, and further increase their suspions about my "secret" life. Also I'm most likely going to be going to the library with my friend, David, who is going to "whip" me in shape academically, basically he goes to the library every day, and will make me come with him to study, and actually study. This is what I need as I found that I can't really motivate myself to study unless I'm pressured with by other people in my presence or by exams. So hopefully now, taking effect tomorrow, I should start establishing a better, more efficient work ethic.

As a result of not going out, I'm currently really hyper, depressed, and really horny. lol. It doesn't help that all day different ppl have been inviting me to go out with them for a drink, coffee, nuit blanche, sex. Gah temptations are everywhere. A problem with having a lot of friends is that you basically have someplace to party ot hang out allll the time, and yuo feel bad when they invite you and you say no. ESPECIALLY when they use the guilt thing on you and are persistent. :( .lol. So now, at 9:40pm, after having done nooo studying at all today, I am having a glass of red wine, and writting this post. I forsee no work getting done tonight. *sigh*. lol.

Ok. omg. So one of the really cute guys I met at the meet and greet, Luke, asked me to go for a dinner and a movie!! heheh. I'm going on a date with Luke. *giggles*. I"m a little excited because I can actually see myself dating him, but we'll see. When I first meet any gay man 2 thoughts occur immediately: 1) Do I think they are hot? and 2) Are they boyfriend material or just fuck buddy material?. Well I've never met anyone who met the "boyfriend" material on first impressions yet, except for now with Luke so we'll see how this goes. My play-buddy lists of candidates seems to be increasing... :S lol. Gah I"m too distracted at home. And it doesn't help that I"m horny and Anthony keeps telling me to come over...I would but he lives all the way at Young and Sheppard. Too far. lol. gah. me = sexually frustrated.

I FINALLY got back into watching my Jdramas. Kara the ones you gave me like a bijillion months ago, I"m finally watching some of them. I watched Nana last night. It was sooo good, I got teary eyed at some parts. And there's a second one, so I shall have to download that. I watched Lovely Complex today... and it was very cute. Bah I'm such a procrastinator. bad me! Well whatever. I'm going to have another glass of red wine and the watch some Jdramas.
Ja ne mina

Well I haven't posted in quite a while as school has been consuming my very existence... and I'm also like way way behind. lol. So this weekend is literally dedicated soley for studying, and getting caught up, etc.

On monday I went to a "Meet and Greet" for Queer Orientation, which was a lot of fun. lol. I met a lot of new people, this one girl, Rogue, we've decided is going to bear my future babies. haha. I also got prepositioned twice for sex, which was funny, and an ego boost? lol. One guy was beside me and he like was "playing" with my necklace at the back of my neck and then he brushed past me slowly, looking at me and saying, "I"m going to the bathroom." lol. Like can you be anymore obvious? Obviously I didn't go because bathroom sex with strangers is not high on my list to do, thanks. lol. This other guy, named Anthony, was and we talked for a bit, and when he was leaving he asked me if I wanted to come with him, but I was with 2 of my friends and I didn't want to leave them, so I stayed. And omg omg omg, ok. There were these 2 british guys, and they had the hottest accents ever! Well of course they do, but they were having a conversation, and I swear listening to that was an instant orgasim. And on of them, Paul, not only had a hot accent, but was also physicall hot as well, so the two combined was.... hot. lol. So the rest of the night I mingled and talked to people, and it was really nice. But I was still sick from my stupid cold, and it was 11:00pm before I left, and didn't get home until 12:45am.. so it was kinda late, but worth it.
Eric is starting to be a little too much. I love the kid, but I really think I need a break. I know he still likes me, and its hard getting him to realize that I don't like him that way, like I told him before and he seemed o with it but he's still really clingy. He's ALWAYS touching me, like holding my hand, grabbing onto my arm, hugging me, whispering in my ear, and on Tuesday I was sitting beside in in our Physio class, and I was bending down to get my laptop out of my bag, and he put his hand under my shirt where my lower back is, and like moved his hand down under my pants almost. Like really this is getting to be an invasion of personal space. I really need to tell him how I feel about him touching me and everything, because if I don't, then I"m partly at fault as well. But he's kinda emo, so it makes things really stressful. I swear I really can't deal with emo people, they bring way too much unneccessary stress and emotion into everything. We went to a party on Saturday, which I invited him too, because it was a friend of mine. But like he was emo half the night, then like angry and wanting to leave, and then he just got really drunk and horny. I feel when I'm out with him, I have to make sure he's having a good time or like not being emo and by himself in the corner. gah its frustrating. But he dropped biochemistry, so now we only have Physio once a week together. So I think having a little "distance" may be for the best right now, as I'm going to be busy the next 2 weeks.

Soo tomorrow should be fun.. I'm meeting Anthony around 12 or lunch and then we're heading back to his place... and then I have to tutor calculus at 4:00pm, so hopefully I won't be late. lol. omg! ok. I went to my dragon boat info session last night, since the practices start next week, and I found out that we have one of our regattas in montreal!!... and and... hehe and another regatta in...CHINA! Yup. my DB team is going to China next October, representing Canada, so that should be totally awesome (hopefully I can afford the plan ticket there and back!). lol. I also had a very... interesting conversation with this guy named Lior last night (which distracted me from writing my paper that was due this morning..lol).. so I"m interested to see where this....relationship-thing is headed? lol. I have a feeling my sex life this year is going to be..very extensive? lol.

My family and I went to Amanda Dunning's cottage for 3 days last week, like we do every year. It was a lot of fun! Corey didn't come this year because he wanted to stay home and spend time with his g/f, so meh I had Amanda all to myself. :D Their cottage is really nice. Its not big or anything, but its really cozy and its right on the beach. omg the beach..I could never get tired of their beach, its soo nice. The sand is so light, as to be almost white. The water is nice and clear and the view is just beautiful - we watch the sunfall everynight as the sun disappears behind the water line. I enjoy going there everythign because its just so relaxing, and spending time with the Dunnings is always a lot of fun. :D I cam back Wednesday night, and spend 3 hours preparing for my close down meeting with Rodrigo, to officially close down my business. Thursday morning was the longest 3.5 hours in my life... it was so annoying. He made me go through every single client I produced this summer and check to make sure their information was all correct (address, name, number, job type, payment, etc) and after doing that for an hour, he made me go through it in even more detail again with him, followed by updating, changing and fixing mistakes for each client. Blah. He then went over the fact that I have even more fines (Around $500) for the missing yellow invoices, plus other fines including: not reaching my goal, phoning in late for meetings, and not updating weekly info my sundays at 9:00pm. Big surprise. Whatever I'm just glad that this horrible job is finally over. He really didn't tell me how much I was getting fine for not reaching my goal, or even told me if I was EVEN getting fined. So I'm going to phone on Tuesday to ask about that, and give him some of the yellow invoices that I found.... So in the end my total profit from working since February is... -$3000... or something like that. But then again I'm not even sure of that (Rodrigo is so confusing). He said that my totaly profit for the summer was just over $5000. But that doesn't include: $2000 for car accident, $1000 for VISAs, and other spendings... so I' don't even know, but Im pretty sure that in the end, I still have a negative profit..... at least this was a good learning experience? lol.

So thursday night, to celebrate the end of Action window cleaning.. I had 4 glasses of red wine and got drunk. haha no surprise there. I then went to my bedroom, got bored, and then started drunk facebook messaging ppl. Always fun. lol. But I got some realyl nice conversations going since Thursday which is cool. :D

Last night I went out with Eric. Since he's underage, I had to buy alcohol for him, as he wanted to re-stock his place. So he spent $104 on alcohol. But I was buying it alone, so clearly the cashier thought I was an alcoholic. haha smal truth in that. :P So we returned to his place, ate some food, and then starting drinking. After we were relatively drunk we went down to Church street. The first 2 places we wanted to go Eric couldn't get in because 1) he's underage 2) his passport says that he's underage and 3) his only fake ID is a student card with his birth, address, etc, which places don't accept because its not government ID. So we wended up going to a pub-like place called "Play" where they don't card. It was alright for a night out, but the place had a lot of older men, and only a small handful of guys around my age. But meh it was fine. So after noticing that pretty much every guy I looked at was to some degree checking me out, giving me one of those creepy smiles, or just appreciating what they say, I began to just get used to it and dance away (I guess this place wasn't used to having hot 19-year old boys dancing...well full oof sex). So there was this one guy who kept on looking at me for the longest time, so I just smiled at him and continueed dancing with Eric (like what else am I supposed to do?) Well clearly smiling at him every time I saw he was staring at me was not the right response. Because then the guys friend would leave, and his guy would start dancing with me (again like even though I don't want to dance with him, pushing him away or whatever is kinda mean) so I just did my thing and stuff. And then to my complete unpleasantness, he kissed me. Not once but severaly times. All I could think was, "ew ew ew ew...Eric save me!" lol. I really don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't seem to say "no." Like I really didn't want this guy kissing me, but I find myself unable to do anything about it. Like really, a normal person would just push them away, signaling that they don't want them doing that. *sigh* I really need to work on this inability of mine. So finally I grabbed Eric and told him that I had to go to the bathroom, signaling him to follow, and I told him that I didn't want this guy doing that, and kinda caught on to that as well, so we returned and avoided the creppy man. A friend of Eric's came who was cute, and now that I think about it looked kinda familiar...maybe I checked him out at the gym a few times. haha. Anywho this guy only like men taller than himself (stupid Eric actually asked him if he was into me, without me being aware of that.. not good. lol.) Oh well, but he as cute. (Ok side note, his friend had a peircing like mine in his ear, but also had a stud in his lower ear... and I was thinking of kinda doing the same thing. I've been wanting to get another piercing kinda, but didn't know where to put it.. and I liked how he had it done, so I was maybe thinking of doing the same thing...suggestions?). His friend was with his lesbian sister (omg so his family had 2 kids - one is a lesbian and one is gay... haha that's soo funny, poor parents. lol.). Ok so his friend left and so did that creepy man... not after slapping my ass, kissing me relatively deepely, kissing eric too and leaving. Ew ew ew gross.... gah. Good thing he left though. haha. Anyways so there was this guy was, according to Eric, was "really into me" and I saw and he was cute. So I would be looking at him and he'll be giving me the look, and even winked a few times. So when our eyes would meet, I would smile, and give him the look to come over and dance with me. but he never did. Though he kept on checking me out, and giving me the same look. I couldn't fathom why he wouldn't come over... was he shy? No confidence? But I was clearly giving him the signal and he was pretty much boring a hole in my clothes with the way he looked at me. So the bar was closing in like 10 minutes. I've had enough of this eye communication (clearly it wasn't working with his guy, which is weird because it works with alllll guys!) Ok so basically, after much prompting from Eric, I walked up to him, grabbed his hand and took him to the dance floor. He didn't start dancing. This confused me, like why are you looking at me like that if you don't at least want to dance? He then said something in what I thought was Spanish, somehting like "Do you speak spanish".....shit.. So I picked up guy who clearly didn't speak english. He said he was from Mexico, well I asked him where he was from and he said, in a hard Spanish accent, "Mexico." I got him to dance a little, but clearly the language barrier was an issue. I tried to get him speaking again, so I asked him if he lived in Toronto or if he was visting. "Visiting", he managed to say. After a few seconds of silence, I concluded that we clearly reached his limit of english vocabulary. great. lol. So I started spewing out some random Spanish words, in hope to cease the silence, which consisted of like 4 words "amigo", "gracias", "pouta" (which I realized right after I said it, that I probably shouldn't have..lol), "sinorita" and "sinore"...which he then corrected as "sinori" or something as he pointed at me. Good good, I managed to call him a bitch, but now he thinks I'm mentally retarded. lol. Well the song ended and the bar was closing, so I mumble my good bye, and left with Eric. That was sooo embarassing. lol. So I learned to important things from last night: 1) Avoid creepy 30-something year old men at clubs, and don't hit on foreign men who don't speak english. But I did have a great time last night so that's all that matters. We got back at Eric's place at around 4:30am and went to bed. I woke up and went to th bathroom this morning and checked the time... it read 3:21pm... shit. So I managed to sleep for almost 12 hours and miss the whole day. I scrambled to get my stuff and left Eric's promptly to go home. Of course my parents didn't care that I came late, so that was fine, but my ass and hips hurt from shaking them all night.. blah. But the good thing is that I have my metropass and now I can go the gym.. sooo excited. :D:D
Ok so this is kinda random and late,... but I was thinking of maybe changing my Major in Religion to a Minor in Religion and a Minor in Physiology.... so we'll see how that goes, since I'm 34 on the waitlist for the course I need for that minor... and stupid UofT STILL hasn't put me back on to BIO250 yet!! I'm getting kinda nervous about that. I already left 2 messages for Grettle... stupid bitch. gah. Well hopefully things will be better on Tuesday, cause that's when I'm going to school to pick my OSAP and stuff like that.

To think that my life could get any degree worse after the summer I had is a gross understatement. Despite my van dying yet again on me yesterday and that I had to push it to a garage near by to get fixed wasn't even an issue to me as I now have become immune to the problems that my van provides for me, and only me: dents, scrapes and backing into trucks, getting into a car accident on the 401, getting incalcuable parking tickets, a speeding, tickey, having the car battery die 4 times on you, and then having the entire car just completely shut down due to a faulty alternator...all in a spand of only 4 months. Though I was more than happy and possitive yesterday despite all these problems with my van, and problems with my job (which I don't even have the strength to get into anymore). Nope my life had to get ever more stressful, more frustrating, more unbearable.

I cried again today, which must of been the 3rd or 4th emotional break down I've had that resulted in me just curling up in a ball on my bed, crying, and then falling asleep when no more tears would come. These moments don't even count the lenths of depression and emotional frustration that I've also had, which I'm sure isn't condusive for a stable mind.


I got an email from OSAP saying that they updated my status and that I should check it online. I found out that they recalculated the amount of funding that I will be receiving. I was orginally going to receive just over $4900. But now they're only giving me $3007. And this funding is split into two payments, one I receive in September and the other I receive in January. Since I will be making next to nothing from my job this summer, I was counting on OSAP to pay for at least my minimal registration fee. But now that they changed it, not only do I not have enough money to even pay the minimal registrastion fee, I don't even have money to pay for books for my courses. I can't afford school. Really I can't understand why so much bad luck seems to coming my way. My summer just keeps getting more and more unbearable. I honestly hated my summer so much, and now it can't even explain to you my despair I feel from this summer. I've been trying so so so hard to stay possitive, to stay happy, to being enthusiastic, trying to to dwell too much on all the problems I've had this summer, but instead I was focusing so much on the beginning of school. I looked at school with eager anticipation. I symbolized the end of my summer: the end of my stupid job, the end of driving my stupid van, the end of my financial problems and working part-time, saving up. There were a lot of things I was looking forward to from school. And now I can't even afford to register. It seems that something is just keeping me from having a moment's peace, preventing me from finally relishing in some form of happiness and a routine that I enjoy.



.....but despite this "fall back," I'm sure I'll find a way to pay for school somehow. I'll be more in debt, but once school begins, I have a really strong feeling that it'll be an end to this..."period" in my life. I don't really know how to explain it, but basically its like my summer has been a really dark period, where any form of light that I had, just get's progressively shrouded by more darkness. And school is like a breaking point in this period, and a beginning of a new one, one that's a lot brighter than the one now. lol. Silly I know, but I'm putting all the energy I have left in my anticipation for school, which will happen somehow or another.